The Declaration of Independence (Improved by the ACLU)

The ACLU’s
Declaration of Independence

When in the course of human events,
not that we hold human events in any way superior to the events of
other primates, mammals or lower life forms, and by “lower” we
mean no disrespect, it becomes necessary for one people,
(group of persons), to dissolve the political bands which have
connected them with another, and to assume among the
powers of
, not that we would ever expect to utilize our power, the
separate and
equal station to which the hallowed,
(whatever that word means), Laws of Nature and of Nature’s
, (in whom we may not say we trust), a decent respect to
the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes
which impel them to the separation

We hold these truths to be
, in a relativistic sort of way, that all persons
created equal, that they are endowed by their
, if indeed they can imagine such a being, and if not,
please read this sentence as continuing after the word “endowed”,
with certain unalienable rights, (graduates of inner
city schools may not be required to pronounce, spell, or know the
meaning of “unalienable”: that’s their right!), that among
these are Life, Liberty, and a free college education. That
to secure these rights
Governments are instituted among
persons deriving their powers from the
town meetings of the
governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes
destructive of these ends it is the Right of the Persons to alter or
abolish it,
(provided that it is a Form of Government of which
conservative radio talk show hosts approve; the other form must
stand), and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on
such principles and organizing its powers in such form as to them
shall seem to effect their Safety, Happiness
, and limitless
prescription drugs.

We, therefore, the Representatives
of the united States of America, appealing to the Supreme Judge of
the world
, (here we again pause to request forgiveness for
referring to belief in God which a majority of our people possesses),
and the United Nations, do solemnly publish and declare that these
United Colonies are free and independent states,
however to any and all whims of Congress. And for the support of
this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine
and again we bear no malice toward those who profess
no religion, or who are openly hostile to references to God in public
discourse, we mutually pledge to each other our Time, the
Fortunes of the taxpayer, and our sacred, (whatever that word
means), Honor.

Tom Burnett

July 5, 2005


2 Responses

  1. perfect site good information, very nice news and etc… tnx

  2. As my grandma used to say “O tempora, o mores!” – cannot use sarcasm over this.

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