The Good Side of Obesity

The Good Side
of Obesity

Most Americans are kind
enough not to offend: we don’t call loggers tree murderers,
pedophiles perverts, the insane crazy, the unemployed lazy, or
criminals crooks. Presidential candidates, though, are not like most
of us. Their success is directly proportional to the brutality with
which they can heap filth on their opponent.

Candidate A: “You are a
truth-shading, immoderate womanizer.”

Candidate B: “You are a
lying, adulterous, lush.”

Voters: “We want
candidate B.”

Given the cowardice of the
rest of us, it is a little surprising that we call the gravity-
enhanced obese. But it is commonly used even in the ultra-sensitive
media, so we had better get used to it.

Since the obese are likely
to be with us for quite some time, (we can only train 300 stomach
stapling doctors each year), and since one heavyweight can flatten
several gravity-challenged pencil necks like me, it is prudent to
find all the good we can in obesity and the obese.

In the following treatise,
the term obesity is used interchangeably with the term fatness, but
only for variety. It is, of course, not meant disparagingly. I
believe in personal safety.

Some etymologists hold
that the word obese comes from ancient Sweden, where it could
have meant “long smorgasbord”. My personal favorite derivation
for the word comes from proto-Texan where obesity is a
transliteration of the name of the popular Stone Age franchise,
Golden Corral. Some experts claim obesity comes from Old
Samoan, OS, and translated means “many luaus”. Samoans associate
fatness with social status. Only rich people can host many feasts, so
evidence of frequent feasting, is evidence of wealth. A really rich
man is as stupendous as his wife.

Wealthiness is a universal
source of esteem, except among progressives, who, though frequently
wealthy themselves, despise wealth in others. Samoans are fatness
egalitarians. They would be perfectly happy for everyone to be fat,
and are working on it.

Football coaches recruit
wealthy Samoans because football is becoming a game of obstacle
avoidance. The team with the biggest obstacles frequently wins. It’s
getting to the point where in order to score against a defensive line
of exceedingly big players, the halfback has to run to the sidelines,
around the chain gang, behind the cheerleaders, and behind the
cameraman before turning downfield. His greatest threats come from
opposing players sitting on the bench. There sits the 2nd
string kicker, the whole game, if not the whole season. The kicker
trips the halfback, prudently using his non-kicking foot. The whistle
blows and the defensive line gathers into a huddle, which from the
cheap seats resembles a Hummer sales lot.

Shrewd offensive
coordinators rush luau dishes to the line of scrimmage and drop them
in front of the defensive line. Linemen fall to their knees to
partake, whereupon the halfback pole vaults over them. Rules and
strategies are going to change; the game could attract more viewers
as obesity increases.

I am grateful for the
chance to become obese. People in Vietnam are not obese, and it is
not because they would not want to be. They have no opportunity. Give
them Outback Steakhouse, Carl’s Jr., McDonald’s and movie popcorn
and they would gladly give up their figures, though imagining fat
Vietnamese is as hard as imagining penguins that soar, or the Red Sox
winning the Series.

Let’s use obesity to our
advantage: export fast food and Medicare simultaneously, to China.
This will fatten their elderly and promote diabetes and strain their
social service budgets. They will not become a military threat.

Having 64% of your adults
overweight is good for the economy. The textile industry sells more
fabrics for apparel. Airlines sell two seats, where before obesity,
each person only needed one. Big and Tall stores thrive. Dairies, hog
farms, and dog kennels, where they grow Hush Puppies, are booming.

Sometimes it costs more to
be obese, but sometimes less. Half the water in a tub will suffice
because of displacement. Uripides proved this. (Or was it
Aristophones?) He lowered himself into a bath and shrieked, “I’m
obese! Yahoo! Eureka!” Refrigerators stay cool longer, and more
cheaply, if they are kept full, especially of meat and cheese. The
contents provide a critical mass. The obese save on their utility
bills, which, as we all know, is one way to save the environment. We
praise them.

After you’ve mastered
looking for the silver lining in obesity you could say, “Hey, you
are pretty obese, have you thought of trying out for the Dallas
Cowboys?” It is hard to imagine this offending any body. You’re
just looking for the good.

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