The Kenyan scammer and my kind offer

I get these emails, like the one below, from innocents in Africa and Indonesia. You probably get them, too.

(Confidential Family Offer)

Good day,

I am Mr Victor Arapmio, the son

of The former president of Kenya Mr Dan ArapMio.I got your contact in

the course of questing for a reputable, trustworthy, andA venerable

fellos who cn help over confidential and paramount matter.My father

used companies as a means Of transferring funds to foreign accounts in

Europe,America and Asai, these funds where gotten from the sales of

Gold and Diamonds.

Amongst the companies he registered was GOBANTEC

INVESTMENT,which he uses as a front for funds deposit, he transferred A

$36,000,000. (thirtysix million American Dollars) to this company which

never existed, the said company has since been declared bankrupt and

liquidated, and the said funds has been deposited with a security

company in Europe where it is kept for safety.

My father has 6 wives

and am the only son of my Mother.following the poligamous nature of

our family my father the president, has given Us our own share, which

is this funds that was deposited with the security company in Europe.

The money is kept in trunk boxes and was registered as precious

substances, thus there is nobody knows about the content.

All the

documents with which the money was deposited is with us(my mother and

I) I am looking for somebody that is capable and willing to travel to

Eroupe to receive the two trunk boxes of moneyA from the security

company.We Shall reward you with 45% of the fund and 5% for expenses

you may incur.You will also help s in investing the fund.You shall

also buy a house where we shall settle down as soon as the money get

into your costudy. Waiting for your positive esponse.include your phone contacts.

Regards.

Mr Victor Arapmio

Below is how I plan to respond.

A Big Montana “Howdy” to you, Vic!

Thanks for your Confidential Family Offer sent by email February 4th. “Family”, you bet! You already feel like family to me, practically a brother!

So you are from Kenya, right? I love Kenya. Absolutely love it. In fact I almost went to South America once. It sounds like now I will really get my chance, by helping you with your money problems.

You say your money is in Europe? For safety?? What kind of scammer conned your father into that? There is not a moment to lose. You have GOT to get it out of there at the first possible moment. The money must be gotten to Montana, the safest nation on earth, at least safer than Europe. Did you know Europe was proudly, yes proudly!, named after Jimmy Europe, who stole the Eiffel Tower from Russia and set it up in France, setting off the Thirty Years War? That is no place to keep money, I tell you. By contrast, the last person to steal anything in Montana died 37 years ago. This left us with a population completely uncorrupted by greed.

If, as you say, the money is in trunk boxes, you have been very lucky to send this email to me, for I am an expert in trunks. Anything about trunks, just ask me. I can open them, carry them or bury them, anything at all. I am especially gifted when trunks are stuffed with money.

Reputable, trustworthy and venereal, all three describe me in the utmost detail. Your money problems are of great concern to me. Being the son of a rich Montana school teacher, I truly know how much help people sometimes need hiding and transferring money. Sometimes a friend in Montana is what oil sheiks and unfortunate illegitimate children of rich warlords need most of all. I aim to be that friend.

I know that getting money into the United States can sometimes be difficult, necessitating the services of ordinary sons of school teachers. This is your problem and I can help. In fact, Helpful is my middle name. My parents named me Thomas Helpful Burnett, laying out before me my purpose in life. So far I’ve been a little weak fulfilling my destiny of helping all people but your email shows me the opportunity I need to live up to my name and make up for lost ground.

Are you sure there is no gold or diamonds left? I would be most interested in them. The best way to transfer them is by putting them in small plastic bottles and swallowing them. That’s what the governor of Montana, James Bond, always did. That’s how we get our jewels into North Dakota and its banks. North Dakota is like the Switzerland of the United States, neutral and safe.

You are willing to pay me 50% of the loot, I mean the funds. Well, I refuse, absolutely refuse. Avarice is un-Montanan so I cannot possibly accept a reward of over 33%. Not a penny more. $12 million will only just cover my costs in providing this service. I only value your brotherhood. And you won’t need to buy a house. I’ll buy you one as part of my service. There is a beautiful home, almost a palace, in Glendive with four bathrooms and an unimpeded view of North Dakota that I will buy for $50,000 out of my $12 million reward. In case you were considering carrying on your father’s practice of polygamy, four bathrooms should get you started.

Please let me know where I can meet these trunks in Europe. I will gladly carry them back to my home in Montana. After receiving your email, I have already dug a hole in my yard, pretending it is for a foundation of a barn. No one will guess a thing. My wife, who also loves Kenya and all things Scandinavian, will bury the money for a period of three years, after midnight. We will tell the neighbors that we decided against the barn. After three years, in which time the FBI will have lost interest in us, we will dig up the money and send you the $24 million American Dollars which is rightfully yours, less our service and storage fees.

I am most concerned for you. You must send me directions to these trunks immediately. I am anxious to “Help”, if you know what I mean.

Sincerely, Your most Dutiful, Affectionate, and Devoted Brother,

Thomas Helpful Burnett

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Aging Gracefully

Aging Gracefully

Marta has a voice student, age 80. She is a spunky, young-thinking person. She attributes some of her youthfulness to daily ingestion of sheep placenta. Marta asked her to try singing, for an exercise, like a little girl, daintily, not syrupy as is normal of older adults. Marta complimented the woman for not having a quavery voice.

Marta is delaying botox treatments. Numerous of her friends have succumbed. Even Marta is willing to do it at a certain stage. But a facelift, No! She has seen women whose face is perky by neck is wrinkly. Marta shakes her head at the thought, jiggling her presently tight cheeks. When I asked her what she thought of the recent full-face transplant in France. That wigged her out to a fine extent. But botox sounds o.k. We get inured to treatments as they become commonplace. The price for a facelift on some internet sites for doctors is $5,000. Breast enhancement is $3,000.

IGF, a growth factor, is a daily treatment for the elderly which makes muscles and skin young. It cost $1,000 per month until recently when the patent expired and the price dropped to $100 per month. This is a price many, perhaps most, older Americans can afford. I am wondering if I should recommend it to my parents. They could dance until they are 110 and have the skin of 30 year-olds.

Certain anti-aging measures will seem to me, and others, pathetic, ridiculous and ungraceful. People in their 90’s who wear bell-bottoms, dance disco, and have toupees or even genetically enhanced full hair are “trying to hard to appear young”, when we all know they should accept decline gracefully. My friend, Mike Jones, the chiropractor, has a patient that skis 15 runs in 3.5 hours and is 74. He is the youngest in his cadre of skiers. There is an aggressive 85 year-old. Both he and I think that is pretty neat. That is because we live in a culture that glorifies youth, not slowness and wisdom.

Openmindedness is admired in the old because it is an attribute of the young.We admire people who are willing to learn computers and cell phones and internet use. We admire the elderly that keep their skills updated. Marta said, “I’ve got to get into the 21st Century”, referring to learning how to use home recording software.

Excercising the body helps the elderly stay strong, healthy and resist bone breakage. It staves off diabetes, cancer, heart disease, and Alzheimers, the things which kill and disable so many. So old people should exercise. But maybe at 100 they should worry not too much. They could exercise less. They don’t need to impress anyone with their strength or bodily beauty, at least not for seeking a mate. Maybe they just need to chill and accept slow degeneration. Maybe that is the graceful thing to do.

For most of us, the point at which we should accommodate decline, grasp it and quit fighting it will be long before age 100. Our present tendency is to admire people who fight for life until the very end. This admiration springs from the way we are enamored of the fighting spirit of young people. Maybe there is more wisdom in feeling the sap run out of us, in feeling our pains, in acknowledging that our day, our prime, is past.

This will not be easy. It will not be easy to refuse replacing a pacemaker battery, a trouble-free and inexpensive measure. On the other hand, refusing a heart transplant, expensive and painful and risky, will be easier. No wisdom is called for here. The easy, cheap enhancements and treatments that are presently multiplying will be the challenge.

An old man who refuses to update from rotary to touch tone, who can’t navigate the internet, who doesn’t do send email, seems like a dud, hopelessly un-modern. He will also become out-of-date. Sometime laziness holds the elderly back. Lack of need restrains others. Maybe though the technological slackers are the wise. They have to talk to people face-to-face, in homes, in the village square and meetings, not through digital snippets. They have to view scenery with their eyes, not through a wire.

A person will have an easier time refusing today’s DSL, as opposed to dial-up internet service, than they will have refusing tomorrow’s medical enhancements.. They will be driven by their own desire for continuation, and the chiding of their children, doctors, government counselors, and peers. But refusal may be wisdom. What appears to be obstinancy may be furtherance.

I heard an ad for Alleve today. It is for arthritis sufferers. It is cheap, safe and ubiquitous. We might expect 1 in 1,000 sufferers to refrain from its use. “Why tolerate any pain if a solution exists?”

What we usually mean when we say someone is aging gracefully is that that person is maintaining a sweet disposition, youthful characteristics, and that they are making an effort to adapt to modernity. Youthfulness is the definition, ironically.

Maybe a better definition is that that person acknowledges and accepts their decline. They know they are on the wane. They are reconciled to the inevitable, the slide into decrepitude. How will we know how to do it? Kurt Vonnegut and James Watson will call resistors Luddites. They will seem out-of-style, like someone wearing a mullet or a wedge hairstyle, or wearing a polyester leisure suit. But it may be the graceful way to age.