The Kenyan Scammer and My Kind Offer

Treasure Chest

Treasure Chest

I get  emails, like the one below, from innocents in Africa and Indonesia. You probably get them, too. I give my hypothetical response below.

(Confidential Family Offer)

Good day,

I am Mr Victor Arapmio, the son

of The former president of Kenya Mr Dan ArapMio.I got your contact in

the course of questing for a reputable, trustworthy, andA venerable

fellos who cn help over confidential and paramount matter.My father

used companies as a means Of transferring funds to foreign accounts in

Europe,America and Asai, these funds where gotten from the sales of

Gold and Diamonds.

Amongst the companies he registered was GOBANTEC

INVESTMENT,which he uses as a front for funds deposit, he transferred A

$36,000,000. (thirtysix million American Dollars) to this company which

never existed, the said company has since been declared bankrupt and

liquidated, and the said funds has been deposited with a security

company in Europe where it is kept for safety.

My father has 6 wives

and am the only son of my Mother.following the poligamous nature of

our family my father the president, has given Us our own share, which

is this funds that was deposited with the security company in Europe.

The money is kept in trunk boxes and was registered as precious

substances, thus there is nobody knows about the content.

All the

documents with which the money was deposited is with us(my mother and

I) I am looking for somebody that is capable and willing to travel to

Eroupe to receive the two trunk boxes of moneyA from the security

company.We Shall reward you with 45% of the fund and 5% for expenses

you may incur.You will also help s in investing the fund.You shall

also buy a house where we shall settle down as soon as the money get

into your costudy. Waiting for your positive esponse.include your phone contacts.


Mr Victor Arapmio


Below is how I plan to respond.

A Big Montana “Howdy” to you, Vic!

Thanks for your Confidential Family Offer sent by email February 4th. “Family”, you bet! You already feel like family to me, practically a brother!

So you are from Kenya, right? I love Kenya. Absolutely love it. In fact I almost went to South America once. It sounds like now I will really get my chance, by helping you with your money problems.

You say your money is in Europe? For safety?? What kind of scammer conned your father into that? There is not a moment to lose. You have GOT to get it out of there at the first possible moment. The money must be gotten to Montana, the safest nation on earth, at least safer than Europe. Did you know Europe was proudly, yes proudly!, named after Jimmy Europe, who stole the Eiffel Tower from Russia and set it up in France, setting off the Thirty Years War? That is no place to keep money, I tell you. By contrast, the last person to steal anything in Montana died 37 years ago. This left us with a population completely uncorrupted by greed.

If, as you say, the money is in trunk boxes, you have been very lucky to send this email to me, for I am an expert in trunks. Anything about trunks, just ask me. I can open them, carry them or bury them, anything at all. I am especially gifted when trunks are stuffed with money.

Reputable, trustworthy and venereal, all three describe me in the utmost detail. Your money problems are of great concern to me. Being the son of a rich Montana school teacher, I truly know how much help people sometimes need hiding and transferring money. Sometimes a friend in Montana is what oil sheiks and unfortunate illegitimate children of rich warlords need most of all. I aim to be that friend.

I know that getting money into the United States can sometimes be difficult, necessitating the services of ordinary sons of school teachers. This is your problem and I can help. In fact, Helpful is my middle name. My parents named me Thomas Helpful Burnett, laying out before me my purpose in life. So far I’ve been a little weak fulfilling my destiny of helping all people but your email shows me the opportunity I need to live up to my name and make up for lost ground.

Are you sure there is no gold or diamonds left? I would be most interested in them. The best way to transfer them is by putting them in small plastic bottles and swallowing them. That’s what the governor of Montana, James Bond, always did. That’s how we get our jewels into North Dakota and its banks. North Dakota is like the Switzerland of the United States, neutral and safe.

You are willing to pay me 50% of the loot, I mean the funds. Well, I refuse, absolutely refuse. Avarice is un-Montanan so I cannot possibly accept a reward of over 33%. Not a penny more. $12 million will only just cover my costs in providing this service. I only value your brotherhood. And you won’t need to buy a house. I’ll buy you one as part of my service. There is a beautiful home, almost a palace, in Glendive with four bathrooms and an unimpeded view of North Dakota that I will buy for $50,000 out of my $12 million reward. In case you were considering carrying on your father’s practice of polygamy, four bathrooms should get you started.

Please let me know where I can meet these trunks in Europe. I will gladly carry them back to my home in Montana. After receiving your email, I have already dug a hole in my yard, pretending it is for a foundation of a barn. No one will guess a thing. My wife, who also loves Kenya and all things Scandinavian, will bury the money for a period of three years, after midnight. We will tell the neighbors that we decided against the barn. After three years, in which time the FBI will have lost interest in us, we will dig up the money and send you the $24 million American Dollars which is rightfully yours, less our service and storage fees.

I am most concerned for you. You must send me directions to these trunks immediately. I am anxious to “Help”, if you know what I mean.

Sincerely, Your most Dutiful, Affectionate, and Devoted Brother,

Thomas Helpful Burnett

One Response

  1. Hi Tom,

    Funniest thing I have read in a very long time. Particularly enjoyed the part about the FBI.

    You are a very talented writer. I doubt the Chronicle would be interested in most of your opinions, but a well balanced paper would be.


    Send this one on, along with your OSHA “experience.”

    Deb D.

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